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"I don't know," I say, "alizarin crimson." She keeps her eyes fixed on mine, clenching her jaw. Her hand holding the card begins to shake slightly. Yet it is poised to clot, to become solid if need be.
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It remembers the tides and its plasma maintains the sea's deep recipe for ions. Blood is a motherfucking genius-it's the body's social organizer and memory tank. What my grandmother wanted to remember and what she wanted to forget shuttle back and forth in a sanguinary churn. "Um," I say drawing out the vowel as if searching for a sound to bite off and fill my mouth like blood. A retired school teacher from Southern gentry, she waits for her triumph, but I am where things go awry. While my mother's in the hospital and my dad is overseas, I am hers and not hers. Its red word blares at me, pins me to it, my mind stuck and burning. At the kitchen table, my grandmother holds a flashcard. The dark, transparent trance of trying to read. You might read this sentence or just as well Johnnie Walker Red it. To this there is no conclusion, no summary, no resolution. Look for holes you can dive into, look for images you can use move your eyes backwards or in concentric circles as you resist the text's chronology and linear logics believe in its undulations misread and daydream your way through. Red is the first color named in most languages therefore a primal way of shaping vision. Try to mentally turn each page a different red to mark it as "read." Color is indexical, both linguistically and visually. Please feel at liberty to read this aloud to your pet or a ghost read it out of order or homophonically. Who follows directions to the letter anyway? The owners of things do. I have always loathed to read directions I get anxious about sequentiality and the tiny print. Each entry struggles to bring text into the body as something it is capable of digesting, something the body will not reject, something physically pleasurable. The italicized definitions of each hue give way to a memory, meditation, or narrative that colors a life the way an inability to read colors a text. The text hopes you will join it in these acts of vocal color.
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This index leaks and stains your hands as you hold it in mind it stutters, sounds out, backtracks and questions itself as it attempts to organize the chaos of illegibility. This index is a memoir of dyslexia, which distills, palimpsests, or perhaps kills the real and unreadable primary text.